Posts Tagged ‘crap’

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489270/

Dir. Darren Lynn Bousman

A masterclass in narrative failure and pointless grossness.

Scenes appear, then vanish without a trace or point. The narrative skips around between what feels like two separate, tangentally connected films. Proving again that the Saw series is a single half-decent idea poorly explored and extended for monetary purposes.

I will say that the acting in this is a LOT better and consistant than in Saw II. The character of the doctor is… dull, her reasons for being chosen by Jigsaw are lame and her scenes trying to keep the dying Jigsaw alive can never be tense because we know, as an audience, that her death can only really occur at the end of the film, too soon would leave us solely with Amanda watching Jeff undergo his test. Still, she is performed decently.

Amanda is, as she was in the second film, the more vocal and whiny expression of Jigsaw’s angsty quest. There are multiple sequences that retcon her into the first movie as being part of original game, which are simply there to pad the movie out. I am unsure of whether the film is trying to evoke sympathy for her, but if so it’s failing horribly. She is mostly annoying and spending so much time chronicling  her rubbish story drags the film down. Even with the ending twist.

Jeff, played by Angus Macfadyen, is one of the better performances in the series. His motivations are clear and understandable, his emotions abley portrayed in each test, but he is strangely relegated to the background when he is the more interesting than Amanda. Coming in at the end he still feels strangely unrelated.

Tobin Bell is, as always, playing a shitty character well.

The traps are disgusting, the gore is much more of a focus in this one and it’s the first point in the series where I could say the “torture porn” reputation is completely accurate. The pig trap was foul and the “angel trap” (as the DVD feature is currently telling me) that pointlessly killed Kerry was gross AND fake looking. This is film entirely for gore fans, nothing more, and it has the same sort of “eternally teenage” mood that created Backyard Wrestling.

It has many of the same problems as the second film and compounds them with an increasing mess of continuity. There’s no point in going into it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0432348/

Dir. Darren Lynn Bousman

It’s time for Saw II and another tour with Jigsaw the whiny dying murderer who is impossibly skilled at avoiding consequences for his convoluted deathtraps.

I’m roughly seven minutes in and the cops have already been stupid beyond words, going into Jigsaw’s lair without checking for traps. He’s been doing this for eight, nine years and they hurf-a-durf their way through the doors and into certain death. Brilliant.

Now I’ve been introduced to our staple of victims being watched on the monitors of blatant after effects filters. They’re uninteresting and unlikeable from the off and I already don’t care about any of them, which is a very poor start to the proceedings. My guess right now is that actual horror and fear is far from the aim of this, it’s acting more like a gore-hungry slasher where the victims are mere meat. I’m not against slasher movies themselves, I enjoy a good laugh through an Elm Street or Friday the 13^th sequel (and genuinely love the original Nightmare), but the few good slashers that exist are either clever and actually scary or very dark comedy. This is currently neither.

What isn’t working for me in terms of horror is that the situations are so completely ludicrous that I am not afraid. In the first film the main setup in the room is improbable, but it is just grounded enough to feel possible, unfortunately the other flashback stories are somewhat idiotic (especially code flambé) and quickly detract from the idea that could have worked much better.

The performances are pretty awful from a lot of the victims in this, especially captain rough and tumble Xavier, he’s so horribly overplayed and poorly written. Out of all of them the kid, Erik Knudson is by far the best but Shawnee Smith is ok. Donnie Whalberg and Dina Meyer are passable, the other cops are poor. Finally Tobin Bell is actually quite good as Jigsaw, he’s just a stupid character with idiotic motivations, but I can see why he’s being latched onto as a new horror icon character.

I’ve just hit the point where they’ve stumbled into the original bathroom from the first film which is a dumb link. It’s a very lucky property he found with the massive house, secret underground passages to a bizarre underground bathroom, and an apparent upstairs floor so deep you could dig a pit into it.

Now the film is over and had a mixture of a decent idea and utter stupidity for the finale. The video feed not being live was a great idea, an actual clever twist in a film that was otherwise idiotic. It set up an incredible amount of plotlines that went no-where, the “link” they all had was never explored, the game itself was never really looked into, they barely touched on Jigsaw’s point, the characters were just meat and the whole film was built around the bloody overblown traps.  The final twist with Amanda becoming the new Jigsaw is painfully stupid.

The film just doesn’t work, it’s not scary, it’s not tense and it’s not particularly enjoyable. The direction and editing was pretty dire, the enormous flashback sequence was almost as painful as Silent Hill’s “All the plot in the final 10 minutes” pacing. Despite all these problems I am, partly for the purpose of study, but partly out of a weird curiosity to see how the series develops, going to watch Saw III when I can get my hands on it for cheap.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387564/

Dir. James Wan

I’m not much for the ‘torture porn’ genre of films, they’re there mostly just appease gore hounds and usually have no point. Still, in the interest of furthering my understanding of films I’m watching Saw right now. As such my paragraphs will be somewhat disconnected as points occur to me.

I’m around 50 minutes in and what is hitting me the most is that there is a total lack of atmosphere. Things are happening and while they’re competently directed the editing and music choices are ruining any atmosphere the piece could have, especially the awful fast-motion with nu-metal sequences, they’re more comical than scary. There is the germ of a good idea in here, unfortunately it’s underdeveloped and as such feels like the first draft of a student film which thinks it’s cleverer than it is.

I cannot believe a bloody minute of this film. The idea that jigsaw has been doing these ludicrous rube-goldberg traps for years on end without being caught is completely stupid, there would be a critical mass of forensic evidence given how much preparation is required. I know it’s a film and you’re meant to be more forgiving, but this is just idiotic. The cops are so stupid it hurt; after successfully finding Jigsaw they just act moronic, forget all their training and let him get away. In this scene there are many times they could have easily disabled, caught or killed him but they don’t.

The performances in this are exceedingly hammy. I’d imagine if the scenery weren’t so covered in shit and rust they’d be chewed thoroughly. The most convincing has been Danny Glover and it’s a role he’s very prepared to play, the angry ex-cop. These hammy performances have meant that the build-up to the moment the title is referencing hasn’t worked at all, it’s not got the power they wanted.

The ‘moral challenge’ idea is awful  because it’s naive and childish, it would have needed much more time being developed with a lot more thought put into the idea. It could have been a proper moral challenge with a real motive instead of just a dying whiner who wants other people to ‘appreciate life’. It just feels like pathetic setup.

The ending montage was terrible, fast cuts of obvious reveals with loose ends flying everywhere. No resolution, no point and no satisfaction in watching it.

The film was not what I expected, its reputation as a torture-porn gore film is undeserved. It’s got torture as a theme but it is far from graphic, especially when you look at other films like Final Destination 3. It feels like James Wan and Leigh Whannel watched Seven, missed out on what made it great, and tried to copy it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0199849/

Dir. Godfrey Ho

Godfrey Ho is an infamous cinematic criminal; a director who butchered the medium of film mercilessly throughout the 70’s, 80’s and into the mid-90’s. If you’ve ever watched an incomprehensible martial arts film with white guys in ludicrous ninja outfits (and sometimes sporting massive moustaches) that seems to be constructed from two or more unrelated films, you’ve watched a Godfrey Ho picture.

Ninja Terminator is one of his many, many films that are vaguely related to ninjas. It has a plot of some form, muddled in among some waffling about ninja statues, about a detective who is investigating… something. The film is, as are all that Godfrey Ho directed, a total mess thanks to their production. They were produced by acquiring old Hong Kong action films, spending two weeks filming entirely different footage, and then slicing and dubbing them into a new film. The result is always insane and always hilarious in how terrible it is.

The most fantastic things can appear in a Godfrey Ho feature such as a wonderful outfit for a villain, a deadly messenger robot, a high-class phone or even an innovative way to deal with loose crabs. It’s these insane things, these unintentional hilarities that keep people watching these films. I myself have seen three Godfrey Ho films, each had its own bizarre, ham-fisted production and each was nearly impossible to stop laughing at from start to finish.

It would take much too long to list all the faults in Ninja Terminator, it’s an absolute cavalcade of failure; from the shots that mistakenly have no-one in frame to continuity errors so large the dead keep coming back to life. Suffice to say it’s not a film you watch to enjoy on a normal level it’s firmly for the ‘so bad it’s good’ crowd (of which I am a member) and when viewed that way, it’s a masterpiece of trash.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450405/

Dir. Paul Weitz

I ended up seeing this entirely at random and it was a waste of my time.

The film is a total and utter mess. It’s the story of Darren Shan (who is definitely not a self-insert for the author Darren O’Shaughnessy) a boy who is obsessed with spiders and his friend, Steve, who is obsessed with vampires. One night they go to a super-secret freakshow, which consists mostly of talented actors embarrassing themselves, and see a vampire, Mr Crepsley, perform with a deadly CGI spider. Once the show is over Steve insists that Mr Crepsley should turn him into a vampire, Crepes refuses because Steve’s blood “tastes evil” and Steve gets in a huff and storms off. Darren, meanwhile, nicks the CGI spider and goes home.

Darren, cleverly, takes the insanely deadly spider to school where it gets pissed off with being a waste of rendering time and bites Steve. In order to save his friend’s life Darren goes to Crepes and asks if he’ll give Steve the antidote. Crepes agrees, providing Darren becomes his half-vampire assistant, which he does.

Then there’s a whole bunch of crap about a fat guy who wants to bring about a war, Vampires and Vampaneze (the latter kill, the former don’t), and Steve getting really whiny about Darren “taking his place” as a vampire and becoming a Vampaneze and then fighting Darren.

The story is just trite, a mash of uninspired concepts and bland fantasy. The characters have nothing about them and it’s completely bizarre to see stars like Selma Hyack and Willem Defoe lend their time to them. The film has no idea whether it wants to be a comedy or a fantasy drama. Jokes will be followed seconds later by serious events but there’s no transition or subtlety which means neither element works. The performance of Darren is ham-fisted and flat, there’s nothing about him; bland and boring he’s essentially a fart in the wind.

It’s a film obviously made to cash in on the popularity of vampires, which has been roused by the teenage obsession for the godawful Twilight series, and feels like a rushed project. It’s not horrifically bad, but it’s not good either, it’s mediocre and forgettable on every level.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0359013/

Dir. David S. Goyer

What is good:

1)      Ryan Reynolds and his jokes

What isn’t:

1)      The script

2)      The story

3)      The direction

4)      The acting by everyone who isn’t Ryan Reynolds or Parker Posey

5)      The make-up artist who must have fought long and hard to make Parker Posey look bad

6)      Dracula being a character

7)      Wesley Snipes, who was an enormous arsehole on set according an article I read a long while back.

8)      The lighting

9)      The effects

10)  The soundtrack

11)   The use of the wrestler “Triple-H” as a vampire character

12)   “Blood Warehouses”

13)   Pretty much everything.

A terrible film that butchered an enjoyably cheesy action series.  It’s just horrible.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0409459/

Dir. Zack Snyder

Instead of a normal write up I present a liveblog of my thoughts that I kept while watching this, this is entirely unedited from its original presentation:

-         Right now. I’ve read the comic, didn’t have the money or inclination to see the film in theatres and am catching up now on a borrowed DVD.

I’ll be keeping you updated with my thoughts as I go through it.

15 Minutes in: The opening credits were an interesting way to introduce the history but too long given that some of it wasn’t that informative.

Initial impression is that the film is suffering from the same thing all Zack Snyder’s have so far, too much time on the visuals and too little spent on the acting. Lines already feel flat and oddly placed at times.

-         28:50 – Rorschach is good, the voice isn’t what I personally imagined but it’s working in its own way and doesn’t dilute the character for me. Dan, seems passable right now, the others I’ll leave for a bit.

The music is pretty awfully integrated. I had to stop to write this one because I’ve just heard ‘99 Red Balloons’ horribly forced into a scene that didn’t need it. I understand the choices in music but they’re just overpowering and in most cases so far have been detrimental to the scene.

-         29:45 – “I’m glad I ordered the four-legged chicken”

-         37:42 – I assume that Snyder is trying to make the audience laugh with Ride of the Valkyries. If not DAMN.

Directing actors is not something Snyder does well at all. Silk Spectre (who is apparently 67, I ain’t buying it) just blanded out a whole sequence and The Comedian just jumped emotional states in stupid ways that felt quite hammy.

-         54:51 – Pacing is way off. It’s too slow and too ponderous when combined with the flat direction, it’s not particularly engaging whereas the comic was by this point.

The dialogue suffers from being taken from the comic so closely (well, a lot of the film does) because, as with many comics, the dialogue works better when written and imagined than when performed. In one odd way it’s similar to the Mallrats dialogue which, if you watch the film again, is a lot funnier in theory than in practice, in that film ONLY Jason Lee hits the mark.

-         What this highlights is what many other adaptations do as well, that each form media is it’s own world and that must be taken into consideration. What works in a comic may not work in a film (take the x-men costume changes) what works in a film may not work in a book. It’s a case of understanding the inherent strengths and weaknesses in each form.

That said 1:10:16 – One of my favourite chapters of the comic, John’s multi-time narrative, has some good parts and some bad parts. The worse bit being the parts concerning his reformation, the cuts are way too quick and lack the weight they did on reading them. The music is still a major problem.

Overall the visuals have been nice, great attention to detail in the production-design and a good overall aesthetic. In motion I feel Snyder is too slow-mo happy, kinda like John Woo.

Also I’m picking up a lot of Blade Runner influence, oddly. It’s certainly made an impression on Snyder at some point.

-         1:28:24 – Rorschach’s interview and the death of Walter Kovacs scene was good. Probably the best part of the film so far. It was uncomfortable, grim and gave you a proper sense of why Rorschach became who he is.

It also contained one of the only pieces of genuine acting I’ve seen so far in the film in Rorschach’s “God didn’t butcher that little girl” speech. Well done, kudos to Jackie Earle Haley and it’s the best piece of drama that Snyder has managed in his career!

-         1:40:26 – The minor fall, the major lift, the utter failure of music. (at this moment in the film Dan and Laurie were having sex to the song ‘Hallelujah’)

-         1:46:02 – LET’S ROCK OUT FOR SOME POOR EDITED FIGHTING WOOP WOOP.

Also I loved the directors note that must have said “Malin, when you role please hold that stupid pose while we sweep up to look at the craft, it doesn’t matter how it looks, it’s in the comic.”

-         Snyder has proven, over multiple films, that his strengths are as follows:
1)Action
2)In-camera speed changes
3)Following a comic book
4)Directing angry scenes

His weaknesses are:
1)Direction of scenes requiring emotions that aren’t anger.
2)Conversational direction
3)Overuse of Slow-motion and in-camera speed changes

The acting in the film is occasionally good, often just adequate and sometimes terrible. The film is, as of 1:52:03, a mess. It’s not awful but it’s not great and, unless a lot changes, is basically going to resolve as forgettable.

-         2:01:43 – Comedian father revelation utterly fails in light of the lack of it having any basis in the viewers mind before that moment.

Same problem occured bubastis appears.

AND AS I TYPE THIS JOHN AND LAURIE’S SPEECH ON MARS HAS ALL EMOTIONAL DEPTH STOLEN BY THE SUDDEN MUSICAL INTERRUPTION

-         Now while I know losing the giant space vagina octopus was really an improvement for the movie, a part of me misses it. It was just so strange that I couldn’t help but love it.

Couple of issues with the ending. John’s “You’ve not succeeded” line really needed to be in there, delivered to Adrian. I’m not sure if I’m convinced that having Dr Manhattan be the force the world unites against works as much a totally unknown threat but I wouldn’t EVER say the space octopus needed to be in it.

Overall the film was kinda dull compared to comic. It was poorly paced and too much time was spent getting it to look authentic than to actually tell the story. The direction was mediocre and didn’t work with the actors in the way the film needed, it was just flat and meant many of the performances had no life.

The real killer of the movie, honestly it’s worse element, was the fucking horrible music mixing. So many times it completely trashed the scenes that were happening and was a complete and total failure on every single level, it’s astonishingly bad from a filmmaking point of view.

I will say that ONE thing was better than the comic, Rorschach “DO IT” shout worked better by having the chance to be performed more completely than in the few panels it had originally.